WELCOME, brave recruit (and loyal lunar laborer), to our trailblazing colony, Endymion—Shining Jewel of fair Mare Imbrium! While your binding indenture contract lasts, you will enjoy all the amenities this state-of-the-art corpo-colonial habitat has to offer during your legally entitled (but highly wasteful) off-duty hours…
FEAST—on scrumptious nano-engineered cuisine at our bountiful food court!
REVEL—in the swinging nightlife of our Artemis Street pleasure strip!
STAY SEXY—at our community center’s bleeding-edge high-G gym!
BEHOLD—the gorgeous lunar vista where our glorious homeworld watches over us like a doting moth-muh-MOTHER OF GOD what is wrong with Earth? Is it burning? Holy sh*t! IS SHE BURNING??
…ahem. Fellow mooners, please return to your regularly scheduled duties. Nothing to see here. Pay no attention to the flaming globe above. Our brave leader, former legendary cosmic explorer Commander Gordon Gooch, has matters well in hand. Yes—that hefty, hungover gentleman weeping under his command station. He’s got this.
It’s all fine. Everything’s fine…
TYLER BUMPUS 